I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
