Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
