apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She announced her abortion via fbk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
