Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
