Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
