Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
