Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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