I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
