I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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