I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
