So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
