i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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