I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
