I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
