I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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