Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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