mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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