Your tits are I can't wait for
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
