i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
