Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
