so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
