kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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