so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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