she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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