Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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