The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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