note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
