don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
