we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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