did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
