there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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