I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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