I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
