if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
don't judge my taste in strippers
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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