Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
