I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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