So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
