Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
