ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
