call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
