did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
