Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
