So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
