At least make sure they are 18
Why
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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