Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
