you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
