Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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