I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
