So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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