I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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