Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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