Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
