I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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