FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
