She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
